Game Review: Swords & Wizardry White Box

This is the first in a series of reviews of some of the so-called 'clones' of old school editions of Dungeons & Dragons. Let me first define some terms:

A clone is a game that adheres closely to the mechanics, substance and/or presentation of a particular edition or editions of Dungeons & Dragons such that without the legal protections of the Open Game License and the Systems Reference Document it would clearly be violating copyright law.

A retro-clone is a clone that on the main strives to emulate a particular edition as precisely as possible.

A neo-clone is a clone that uses an edition or editions as a template but is designed to differ substantially from the original.

The original is the edition the clone is, well, cloning.

Now on to the review.

Game: Swords & Wizardry White Box (2009).

Availability: Softcover: $9.99. Hardcover: $18.99. Boxed Set: currently unavailable. PDF: Free.

Status: Neo-clone.

Original: The Three Little Brown Books (1974), or more accurately, the first two of the three--Men & Magic and Monsters & Treasure.

Introduction: Swords & Wizardry (2008) was the third major retro-clone to be published after Labyrinth Lord (2007) and OSRIC (2006). A year later in 2009, Swords & Wizardry White Box was released, authored by Matt Finch and Marv Breig. Unlike other clones, Swords & Wizardry never tried to emulate one particular edition of OD&D. Rather the intention was to emulate a style of play over a particular time period. If Swords & Wizardry as a whole embraced a sort of average of the original 1974 edition + the supplements + Advanced Dungeons & Dragons, White Box was an attempt to dial things back to the minimalist mechanics and presentation of the 1974 version. So, although it's not specifically designed to be a clone of the three little brown books, we'll use those as a point of comparison.

Comparisons with the Original:

1. The first thing the reader notices is that, unlike the original, Swords & Wizardry White Box is extremely well organized and presented. Now, don't misunderstand. I never thought that that was a major fault of the three little brown books. But some do. White Box has an attractive and readable contemporary font and layout. There's a full table of contents for the entire game, and so on.

2. White Box adheres to the minimalist mechanics and substance of the original. There are approximately the same number of items of equipment for purchase, spells, monsters and the rest. However White Box comes in at only about 70% of the word count of the original. This is primarily because most of the material in the third of the three little brown books--The Underworld & Wilderness Adventures--is absent from White Box.

3. White Box maintains the six classes of the original, including preserving the idea of race as class, jettisoned in the later editions. Ability Score adjustments and bonuses are slight, as in the original, but altered somewhat. The confusing 'point swapping' mechanic for the purpose of upping one's experience point bonus, is dropped in favor of giving a +5% adjustment to high wisdom and charisma scores. And an optional adjustments for high or low strength scores is added.

4. Unlike in the original, weapons are given variable damage rolls, though this is done in a simple and elegant way, more like the Moldvay/Cook Basic/Expert set than the proliferation of possibilities offered in Greyhawk and even more so in AD&D.

5. Spell lists are very similar to the original with only a few small differences. The number of monsters is approximately the same but includes a greater diversity than the three little brown books. About half are from the original with the rest coming from the supplements or even the Monster Manual. This is a good example of where, to frame it positively, Swords & Wizardry White Box is less interested in historical purity than, well, fun.

Minor Annoyances:

(I will include this section in all reviews, no matter how much I like the game overall.)

1. In a number of places White Box goes out of its way to, in its own words, present 'options for your consideration'. For example, you can give Fighters with a 15+ strength a +1 bonus on attacks. Or not. Or make the requirement slightly easier at 14 or even 13. I used to like this. Now I don't. Do not misunderstand. That White Box, like the original, stresses that the referee and players can and should modify the rules according to taste is absolutely correct and laudable. But, before I do that I want to know what the authors think. After all, presumably they know much more about the mechanic than I do. They thought about it, wrote it and playtested it. They're the authors after all. So while I reserve the right to change things, I have a rational interest in knowing what they prefer.

2. White Box 'rationalizes' certain mechanics of the original, such as the saving throw system. As opposed to the five categories of the original--Save Versus Death Ray or Poison, Save Versus All Wands - Including Polymorph and 'Paralization', Save Versus Rusting, Magical Vibration Attacks or Coughing Fits (okay I made up that last one) and so on--there is only one saving throw number that increases (or decreases) by 1 per level. Different classes get small bonuses on some kinds of saving throws. Parallel to this is a general smoothing out of the attack bonus increases per level. Personally I find chunky and discontinuous increases preferable (for a variety of reasons) and I would rather, say, save versus Dragon Breath than, well, just make a saving throw. It's increases the fairy tale otherworldly vibe for me. But I admit that I might be in a minority on this. I could mention 'descending armor class' but I won't. I don't want to seem too much a curmudgeon.

3. Why oh why do most old school games list all spells alphabetically, as opposed to listing them alphabetically only within the spell levels? Since almost all do it, many must like this approach. I don't.

4. White Box also rationalizes the way magic items are 'assigned' to treasure hordes. Again, when I first read the rules, I thought they were an improvement. Now I think the Swords & Wizardry system is a needless and confusing complication. And without being too ideological about it, scaling the power of magic items found (as part of the official mechanic) is too rational and new school for me.

5. White Box is somewhat schizophrenic as to its audience. In some ways it purports to be an introductory game--with its explanations of what role-playing is, the kind of dice used, and so on. But I can't imagine anyone unfamiliar with these sorts of games simply picking it up and playing it. Again, there is very little material--short of a view general paragraphs--on dungeon design, wilderness adventures or campaign creation. By contrast, the original game had all of that and more (though some would say it was frustratingly ambiguous or incomplete), going as far as presenting detailed rules for aerial combat and sea combat, among other things. Now, in regards to the last two features, I think it fair to say that few actually used those rules. So, from one point of view it makes sense to ditch them. But even if they weren't used, they still (in my view) served to spark the imagination of the reader. This is the sort of world we are in (Gygax and Arneson seem to be saying): the wilderness is dotted with castles where Lords challenge intruders to jousts, Viking longships cruise the coasts, and sieges often feature Balrogs hurling fire over parapets. Leaving that consideration aside and stepping back to the issue of game mechanics, how would novice players be in any position to make informed decisions on the options White Box puts up for for their 'consideration'? White Box is a great system for, say, an experienced referee to use with novice players. But that's different.

Major Triumphs:

1. For a few years, White Box was the only major game in town that emulated the really minimalist approach of the three little brown books. That there is now more competition is not a fault of White Box. It did it first.

2. In places, Finch and Breig precisely and evocatively describe the old school approach in words that have never been equaled:

The rules are extremely short, compared to the multi-paged rule-libraries required to play most modern roleplaying games. Yet this game contains within itself all the seeds and soul of mythic fantasy, the building blocks of vast complexity, the kindling of wonder. The game is so powerful because it’s encapsulated in a small formula, like a genie kept imprisoned in the small compass of an unremarkable lamp.

There’s not a lot of detail given about the monsters, because the more detail given, the more your own mental image of the fantasy world is going to be locked into a single track. We’re not going to say that giant ants are red, nocturnal, three feet long, and fond of eating Elves. Because in your mind, they might be blue, diurnal, five feet long, and eat only plants unless they’re attacked. Details about monsters toss roadblocks in front of your imagination. Yes, details can also inspire the imagination, but we’re making the assumption that if you’re interested in fantasy gaming in the first place, you’ve got a good imagination that doesn’t need details about the size of a giant ant.

I didn't include much of that sort of thing in my own 'minimalist' old school game, partly because I knew I couldn't possibly improve on the above.

3. The writing is punchy, crisp and fluent. And no, that's not a feature of all old school games--even of otherwise laudable ones. And yes, it matters.

4. The PDF is free. It sounds almost condescending to mention that, but it shouldn't be. Finch and Breig don't want to bilk you. They just want you to have as much fun playing it as they (I'm guessing) had writing it. I have no doubt it made a number of old school converts. I know that because I was one of them.

Overall Assessment:

That there are more Minor Annoyances than Major Triumphs is a feature of my review template more than anything else. Swords & Wizardry White Box is one of the best products the OSR has produced. Any clone of the three little brown books must take the measure of it, and will in some ways be measured by it. There are now other options out there that may appeal to slightly different audiences--Delving Deeper for historical purists (believe me, there's nothing wrong with that!) and my own humble effort, among others--but White Box is still the gold standard.

OSR Art Friday: Girl With Sword

Among the best fantasy art of contemporary 'Old School' games is that commissioned for James Raggi's Lamentations of the Flame Princess (LOTFP) products line. The above piece graces the cover of the Rules and Magic booklet for the 'Grindhouse' edition of the LOTFP roleplaying game. It is by Jason Rainville and I assume was created sometime in 2010 or 2011. More of Rainville's work can be found at deviantArt.

Raggi's game and related supplements are almost defined by the art they contain.  They are generally not for children. The illustrations are often graphically violent and/or sexual, sometimes macabre and often cynical or at least, well, arch. Some would say it's nihilistic, though I don't think that gets it quite right.

I like it.

The best pieces almost always tell a story. Scratch that. The best pieces almost always tell an interesting story that makes you think. Indeed, the attraction of many of them is that it isn't completely clear what the story is. That is they are subject to multiple interpretations, and part of the fun is puzzling out which one works best.

Contrast the above scene of implicit combat with, say a typical 3e, 4e or 5e illustration. Most of those are also of combat scenes. And almost always they catch the figures in mid-jump or mid-charge or mid-something or other that is supposedly incredibly exciting. But in fact they are dramatically static, equivalent to (as has been pointed out before) an almost arbitrary screenshot from a video game.

What is going on above? The first interpretation for many is that it's a girl suddenly finding herself in the position of defending her family against some unseen attacker, perhaps someone or something supernaturally horrific. Her father is almost certainly dead-killed first (though how did the girl get between him and the attacker?). Her mother stares at the unseen (by us) attacker in fear, instinctively protecting her baby. The girl grips the adult sword steadily but awkwardly. It's obviously too heavy. How did she get it? Are the tears due to to simple terror at what now confronts her, or the realization that she herself is already 'tainted' by perhaps wounding or killing one of the attackers? Logically there is no hope. But somehow one thinks that this girl may have a chance, surprising all of us-even and especially the enemy who thought it would be easy.

An alternative view is that the bleeding man was himself one of the enemy (would her father have been sleeping in his breastplate?) that unfortunately (for him), took no account of the young girl. Who would have?

She's not a victim. She's a heroine. That's why we like this piece.

She might die. They all might die. Bad things happen-even to innocent girls. That's not cynical. Just, well, accurate. But you can go down fighting...

Thank You For Saving Everyone

For weeks and perhaps months after 9/11, the street side walls of practically every firehouse in Manhattan were covered with cards and letters, many of them written by children. You could walk from Ground Zero well up the length of the island and see them. In many cases the flutter of pinned up notes surrounded photographs of the fallen firefighters from that particular company.

The one I will always remember was the card with a drawing of the Trade Center Towers on each side. In between was a heart. Underneath was a message written in a child's hand:

Thank You For Saving Everyone

In many cases, of course, these heroes and heroines physically rescued no one. The leading group that went up the stairs of the second tower that was hit (the first tower to fall) all perished before they could lead any one out. There was no time. Two made it up to the 78th floor elevator waiting area where the second plane had plowed directly through a crowd. There they reported back on what they saw and comforted the shocked, injured and dying in the few minutes they all had left.

Just because they all died doesn't mean that that the above words weren't--at least partially--true.

Daddy, I Want to be a Slutty Lollipop Princess!

This post is dedicated to Hasbro, who in its most recent incarnation of Dungeons & Dragons, asked children (among others) to:

Think about how your character does or does not conform to the broader culture's expectations of sex, gender, and sexual behavior.

The slutty lollipop princess image is from Hasbro's current (2013) version of the classic game Candy Land (for ages 3+):

"Daddy, I Want to be a Slutty Lollipop Princess!"

"No son, not until you're potty trained."

Okay, that conversation never happened. But this one did:

"Daddy, She's pretty."

"You think so?"

"Yes."

My daughter wasn't referring to Princess Lolly (above), but rather, the current Candy Land's Princess Frostine:

"But Lydia, look at her eyes. Don't you think her eyes are a bit far apart and her lips are a bit weird?"

"She's pretty."

"She injected a chemical into her lips with a needle. It's called Collagen and it's poisonous."

"Oh."

"She'll die horribly from the poison and other people will then take her toys."

"I understand. Dad, can I have her magic wand?"

"Yes, I'll buy you one tomorrow at Target."

Okay, so the second half of that conversation never happened either (though my daughter does indeed possess a magic wand that I bought for her at Target). But the first half did.

Now to be serious:

Implicitly offering Lolly and Frostine as role models for 3-year-old girls (aimed at the mass-market suburban toy store crowd) while simultaneously hectoring older kids and adults about sexual and gender stereotypes (in the manner of the most humorless and ideologically puritanical sociology textbook) is about the most cynical thing I've seen in a long time.

Okay, I've seen a lot of cynical things recently, but still.

As some of you know, I can be fairly accurately characterized as a social conservative. A close friend--a social liberal--agreed with me about Lolly and Frostine (liberal feminists and, say, conservative Christians can unite on that, I think), but she made the point that Hasbro is a large company, different people are responsible for writing different games, etc. etc.

Not good enough.

There are people in the company that vet all these games concerning these sorts of issues.

Tailoring the message is a cynical calculation. Nothing more and nothing less.

Hasbro is beneath contempt.

On Relativism in RPG Criticism

Protagoras. He would have defended 4e.

So there's this implicit difference of opinion among RPG critics. For some, certain games (or modules, sets of supplemental materials, and so on) are better than others. It's not a question of the critic herself or her gaming group simply liking the particular product more or preferring to play it over other games, but rather that the game in question is better, period.

But for others, no game (or module, set of supplemental material, etc.) can be objectively better than any other. It all comes down to mere questions of personal taste. If I like X (and you don't), and you like Y instead (and I don't), that's fine. As long as you or your group is having fun (and different people and groups have fun in different ways), that's the only thing that counts.

We can caricature the two positions as the fascist conservative objectivist position and the wimpy liberal relativist position.

I'm a fascist conservative objectivist. Here, I'd like to lay out some considerations supporting my point of view:

1. Objectivism in RPG criticism has nothing to with moral objectivism. I believe some games are better than others. But I don't believe that, say, playing a bad game makes one a bad person. It has nothing to do with that. Implying that my position claims that it does is a slander.

2. Objectivism is not a metaphysical position. Regarding, for example, editions of Dungeons & Dragons, if I think that, say 0e is better than 3e, that doesn't mean that I believe there is a Platonic Heaven somewhere that contains, say, a pedestal holding up a woodgrain edition of 0e. Rather, my view is that any game product either explicitly or implicitly purports to do certain things. And it's largely an empirical question how well it succeeds in doing those things. To take a non-rpg example: what's better, a hammer or a pillow? That question is of course nonsensical--certainly neither is metaphysically better. But if the purpose is to drive in a nail, I'll take the hammer. On the other hand, if I want my bed to be more comfortable, I'd rather sleep with a pillow. Now, if someone were to come along and say, 'I don't care what you like, but when I drive in nails, a pillow works better' or 'I prefer to use a pillow to drive in nails,' or (worse), 'look, my group and I have fun using pillows to drive in nails, and who are you to argue with that?' I would say, well, I wouldn't know what to say. I guess I would assume that that person was just being argumentative for the sake of it, or was somehow defective in their understanding of the terms (or maybe I was), or that person was, I don't know, well, insane.

3. Objectivism doesn't preclude the possibility that the critic might be wrong. So: I say Hammer XYZ is better than hammer PDQ for driving in nails. I happen to be wrong about that for the simple reason that every time I actually used hammer PDQ, I was, well, a bit drunk. People, including yours truly--the fascist conservative objectivist--can be mistaken. It happens. But no, that's not a knock down argument for why objectivists should just shut up.

4. Objectivism doesn't preclude the possibility that a particular difference of opinion might really be subjective. I Iike robots in my fantasy games. You don't. I would say that pretty much comes down to subjective taste. Now, for all I know, God or Plato in his Heaven or the Omega Point of the Universe, or Whomever or Whatever might come down on one side or the other--God: 'You were right, Spalding. For all of your sins (and they really were pretty bad), you were spot-on about that robot thing'--but I doubt it. However, if, say, you wrote a retro-clone based on game XYZ, and you claimed it was a totally faithful retro-clone in every way, and yet game XYZ included robots and your clone didn't, then I would say you were objectively mistaken. Your clone could be said to have failed, at least on that point or in that sense.

5. Game design is an art as well as a science. Talking about it and debating it is not only fun but useful. It helps us design better games. It helps us choose to play better games. Heck, it probably helps us to play whatever game we actually have chosen, well, better. I think it was the great James Raggi who said (probably following some non-RPG sage) that the relativist position just stops the conversation in an annoying way. What makes one RPG (or novel, sculpture,  piece of software, skyscraper, or whatever) just work better than another? That's an interesting question. That's also a useful question. Shut up you fascist, if my group likes it, who are you to criticize it? Sorry, but that's just annoying.

6. Relativism among some RPG critics is often only apparent. What's really going on is that they're just being polite. They don't want to offend. That's perfectly okay. All things being equal, no one should want to offend others.* And everyone, within reason and without denying anything or anyone or perverting some other important value, should strive not to. So if I say, 'game XYZ is better than game PDQ for reasons ABC but in the end you have to make up your own mind', or whatever, the 'in the end you have to make up your own mind' thing is perhaps just a way to be inoffensive and polite. So, often the objectivist vs. relativist debate simply comes down to a question of presentation.

*In the above paragraph, note the 'all things being equal' clause in the second and third lines. Sometimes the other guy deserves it.

7. Objectivism concedes that the majority can often be wrong. Relativism implicitly claims that it can't (since no group can ever be wrong in that meaningful sense). In a way I suppose that makes objectivism unattractive. Objectivists often appear to be stubborn curmudgeons howling at the wind. It's often claimed that we like that. Two points: anyone with any brain must acknowledge that the majority is often wrong about all sorts of things. (They're also of course often right about all sorts of things. That's that weird thing about truth. Sometimes people get it. Sometimes they don't.) So the 'you're in the minority' slur is, well, unfair, I think. Second, I can't speak for all of my objectivist friends, but personally, I don't like being in a minority (at least for most things). I'd prefer that most D & D players played 0e, 1e or a retro-clone variation. That would not only satisfy my altruistic urges--ah great, the world is having more fun now!--but also my more self-interested ones--ah great, now I have more potential people to game with, and my self-published 0e retro-clone will sell a million copies!

If only.

So, yeah, I think 0e and 1e (and the clones and related games associated with them) are better than 3e (or 4e or 5e). They're objectively better. They're better at what all of those games implicitly purport to do--establish a mechanism that best harnesses the desire of many of us to, well, use our imaginations and our minds to create and explore, in comradeship with other like-minded souls of course, an imaginary fantasy or fairy tale world for a few hours, once a week (while eating potato chips) in the unique way that a paper and pencil adventure game allows us to. The way I've expressed it, it probably sounds silly and/or pretentious, I know. But there it is. Perhaps someone else could say it better.

What? Your desire is to move plastic figures around on a battle map for a few hours once a week (while eating potato chips)? Okay then, 4e is objectively better. You win.

(There's nothing about being an objectivist that precludes stacking the argument.)

On Prestige Classes (An Opinionated and Very Long Post)

The Original Dwarven Defender

PARENTAL ADVISORY: The following can fairly be called an aggressive salvo in the 'Edition Wars'.

Recently on a thread in the Original D&D Discussion group, someone mentioned (with disdain) kits and prestige classes. Having been absent from the hobby for twenty-five years, I only had a vague idea of what prestige classes were. I figured they were like kits--specific and detailed variations on classes that (from an old school approach) were unnecessary and inadvisable for a number of reasons. I was right on the main. But quite frankly I had no idea of the extent of them. I figured 3e included a few extra classes like Thief-Acrobat, Cavalier, Super Duper Anti-Paladin, or whatever. But a quick check on Wikipedia showed that I was, well, naive on the matter. The entry specifies over 800 prestige classes, all described in official TSR or Wizards of the Coast publications.

I had no idea.

So we go from 3 (or 6) classes in original 0e to 11 in 1e, dipping down to 8 in 2e to 800+ in 3e. Now I know that's a slightly unfair way of counting things as each edition featured supplemental material that upped the overall total somewhat. There were, for example, over 300 kits in the so-called 2e 'splatbooks', which obviously laid the groundwork for the explosion of prestige classes in the next edition. But still.

For the fun of it, I thought I would spend a few minutes copying and pasting them all alphabetically. Keep in mind that according to Wikipedia, this includes only the entries from official TSR sources, and may not even be complete ('you can help by expanding it'). I dare all readers to scroll slowly and hold one's breath until the end:

Abjurant Champion

Aboleth Savant

Abolisher

Acolyte of the Ego

Acolyte of the Fist

Acolyte of the Skin

Aerial Avenger
Aeromancer

Agent Retriever

Aglarondan Griffonrider

Akodo Champion

Alchemist Savant

Alienist

Anarchic Initiate

Anarchromancer

Ancient Master

Anima Mage

Animal Lord

Anointed Knight

Apostle of Peace

Arachne

Arachnomancer

Arboreal Guardian

Arcane Archer

Arcane Devotee
Arcane Hierophant

Arcane Lord

Arcane Scholar of Candlekeep

Arcane Trickster

Arcanopath Monk

Archmage

Ardent Dilettante

Argent Fist

Argent Savant

Artist's Vengeance

Arvoreen's Keeper

Arvoreen's Warder

Ashworm Dragoon

Assassin

Astral Dancer

Atavist

Auspician

Avenging Executioner

Bane of Infidels

Barber

Battle Howler of Gruumsh

Battle Maiden

Battle Trickster

Battleguard of Tempus

Battlemage Warlord

Battlepriest of Cormyr

Battlerager

Battlesmith

Bayushi Deceiver

Bear Warrior

Beast Heart Adept

Beastmaster

Beholder Mage

Beloved of Valarian

Bereft

Berserk

Black Blood Cultist

Black Blood Hunter

Black Dog

Black Flame Zealot

Blackguard
Rock and Roll

Blade Bravo
Battle of Evermore
Stairway to Heaven

Blade Dancer

Blade of Orien

Bladesinger

Blessed of Gruumsh

Blighter

Blood Magus

Bloodclaw Master

Bloodhound

Bloodscaled Fury

Bloodsister

Bloodstorm Blade

Boge of Nomog-Geaya

Bonded Summoner

Bone Collector

Bone Knight

Bow Master

Bowman Charger

Branch Dancer

Brawler

Breachgnome

Brimstone Speaker

Cabinet Trickster

Cancer Mage

Candle Caster

Cataclysm Mage

Cavalier

Cave Stalker

Cavelord

Cavestalker

Celebrant of Sharess

Celestial Mystic

Cerebremancer

Cerebrex

Chameleon

Champion of Corellon Larethian

Champion of Gwynharwy

Chaotician

Charlatan

Child of Night

Chimeric Champion of Garl Glittergold

Church Inquisitor

Cipher Adept

Cloaked Dancer

Cloud Anchorite

Cognition Thief

Coiled Cabalist

Combat Medic

Combat Trapsmith

Companion of the Dead

Consecrated Harrier

Contemplative

Corrupt Avenger

Corsair

Cosmic Descryer

Council Mage of Cormyr

Court Herald

Cragtop Archer

Crimson Scourge

Crinti Shadow Marauder

Cryokineticist

Cultist of the Shattered Peak

Cyran Avenger

Cyre Scout

Daggerspell Mage

Daggerspell Shaper

Daidoji Bodyguard

Dancer of Sharess

Dark Lantern

Dark Scholar

Darkhunter

Darkmask

Darkrunner

Darkwater Knight

Darkwood Stalker

Dawncaller

Deadgrim

Death Delver

Deathstalker of Bhaal

Deathwarden Chanter

Deep Avenger

Deep Diviner

Deep Thrall

Deepstone Sentinel

Deepwarden

Deepwood Sniper

Defender of Sealtiel

Defiant

Demonbinder

Demonologist

Demonwrecker

Deneith Warden

Dervish

Devoted Defender

Diabolist

Diamond Dragon

Disciple of Ashardalon

Disciple of Asmodeus

Disciple of Baalzebul

Disciple of Dispater

Disciple of Mammon

Disciple of Mephistopheles

Disciple of the Eye

Disciple of the Word

Disciple of Thrym

Dispassionate Watcher of Chronepsis

Divine Agent

Divine Champion

Divine Crusader

Divine Disciple

Divine Emissary

Divine Oracle

Divine Prankster

Divine Seeker

Doomdreamer

Doomguard

Doomguide

Dracolexi

Dracolyte

Dragon Ascendant

Dragon Descendant

Dragon Devotee

Dragon Disciple

Dragon Lord

Dragon Mystic

Dragon Prophet

Dragon Rider

Dragon Samurai

Dragon Warrior

Dragonheart Mage

Dragonkith

Dragonmark Heir

Dragonrider

Dragonscribe

Dragonslayer

Dragonsong Lyricist

Dragonstalker

Dread Commando

Dread Fang of Lolth

Dread Pirate

Dread Witch

Dreadmaster

Driven Leader Warlord

Drow Judicator

Drunken Master

Duelist

Dungeon Delver

Dungeon Lord

Durrak'ash

Durthan

Dwarven Defender

Dwarven Thane

Dweomerkeeper

Eagle Knight

Earth Dreamer

Earthshaker

Ebon Saint

Ebonmar Infiltrator

Ectopic Adept

Effigy Master

Eldeen Ranger

Elder Druid

Eldritch Disciple

Eldritch Knight

Eldritch Master

Eldritch Theurge

Elemental Archon

Elemental Master

Elemental Savant

Elemental Scion of Zilargo

Elemental Warrior

Elocater

Elven High Mage

Emancipated Spawn

Emissary of Barachiel

Empowered

Enlightened Fist

Enlightened Spirit

Entropist

Entropomancer

Epic Infiltrator

Escalation Mage

Eternal Blade

Eunuch Warlock

Evangelist

Evereskan Tomb Guardian

Exalted Arcanist

Exemplar

Exorcist of the Silver Flame

Exotic Weapon Master

Extreme Explorer

Eye of Gruumsh

Eye of Horus-Re

Eye of Lolth

Faceless Ones

Fang of Lolth

Fang of Sseth

Fatemaker

Fatespinner

Fiend Binder

Fiend of Blasphemy

Fiend of Corruption

Fiend of Possession

Fiend Slayer

Fiend-Blooded

Fiendbinder

Fierce Grappler

Firestorm Berserker

Fist of Hextor

Fist of Raziel

Fist of the Forest

Fist of Zuoken

Flame Steward

Flayerspawn Psychic

Fleet Runner of Ehlonna

Fleshwarper

Flux Adept

Fochlucan Lyrist

Foe Hunter

Follower of the Skyserpent

Force Missile Mage

Forest Master

Forest Reeve

Forsaker

Fortune's Friend

Frenzied Berserker

Frost Mage

Frostrager

Gatecrasher

Gatekeeper Mystagogue

Geomancer

Geometer

Ghost Slayer

Ghost-Faced Killer

Ghostwalker

Giant-Killer

Gladiator

Gloomblade

Glorious Servitor

Gnome Artificer

Gnome Giant Killer

Gnome Giant-Slayer

Goldeye

Goliath Liberator

Gray Guard

Gray Hand Enforcer

Gray Sage

Gray Parsley, Rosemary and Thyme

Great Rift Deep Defender

Great Rift Skyguard

Green Star Adept

Green Whisperer

Guardian Paramount

Guild Thief

Guild Wizard of Waterdeep

Halfling Outrider

Halruaan Elder

Halruaan Magehound

Hammer of Moradin

Hand of the Adama

Hand of the Winged Masters

Harmonium Peacekeeper

Harper Agent

Harper Mage

Harper Paragon

Harper Priest

Harper Scout

Hathran

Havoc Mage

Haztaratain

Heartfire Fanner

Heartseeker

Heartwarder

Heir of Siberys

Hellbreaker

Hellfire Warlock

Hellreaver

Henshin Mystic

Hexer

Hida Defender

Hidecarved Dragon

Hierophant

High Elemental Binder

High Proselytizer

Highland Stalker

Hoardstealer

Holt Warden

Holy Liberator

Holy Scourge

Holy Slayer

Hordebreaker

Horizon Walker

Horned Harbinger

Hospitaler

Hulking Hurler

Hunter of the Dead

Iaijutsu Master

Icesinger

Illithid Body Tamer

Illithid Savant

Illithid Slayer

Illithidkin

Illumine Soul

Imaskari Vengeance Taker

Impure Prince

Incandescent Champion

Incantatrix

Incantifier

Incarnum Blade

Initiate of Pistis Sophia

Initiate of the Draconic Mysteries

Initiate of the Sevenfold Veil

Inquisitor

Inquisitor of the Drowning Goddess

Insidious Corruptor

Invisible Blade

Iron Mind

Ironsoul Forgemaster

Itinerant Warder of Yondalla

Jade Phoenix Mage

Jaguar Knight

Jaunter

Jester

Jobber

Jordain Vizier

Justicar

Justice Hammer of Moradin

Justice of Weald and Woe

Justiciar of Taiia

Justiciar of Tyr

Kabuki Warrior

Keeper of the Cerulean Sign

Kensai

King/Queen of the Wild

Kinslayer

Kishi Charger

Knight of the Blue Moon

Knight of the Chalice

Knight of the Chase

Knight of the Crown

Knight of the Flying Hunt

Knight of the Iron Glacier

Knight of the Lily

Knight of the Middle Circle

Knight of the Raven

Knight of the Rose

Knight of the Sacred Seal

Knight of the Scale

Knight of the Skull

Knight of the Sword

Knight of the Thorn

Knight of the Weave

Knight Phantom

Knight Protector

Knight Protector of the Great Kingdom

Knight-Errant of Silverymoon
Landforged Walker

Lasher

Legacy Champion

Legendary Captain

Legendary Dreadnought

Legendary Leader

Legendary Tactician

Leviathan Hunter

Lifedrinker

Lightbearer

Lion of Talisid

Lord of Tides

Loredelver

Loremaster

Luckstealer

Luiren Marchwarden

Lyric Thaumaturge

Maester

Mage of the Arcane Order

Mage-Killer

Magelord

Magic Filcher

Magical Trickster

Maho-Bujin

Maho-Tsukai

Maiden of Pain

Malconvoker

Mamluk

Mantis Mercenary

Maquar Crusader

Martyred Champion of Ilmater

Mask of Johydee

Master Alchemist

Master Astrologer

Master Inquisitive

Master Inquisitive

Master of Chains

Master of Flies

Master of Many Forms

Master Of Masks

Master of Nine

Master of Shadow

Master of Shrouds

Master of the East Wind

Master of the North Wind

Master of the Secret Sound

Master of the South Wind

Master of the Unseen Hand

Master of the West Wind

Master of the Yuirwood

Master of Vipers

Master Samurai

Master Siege Engineer

Master Specialist

Master Thrower

Master Transmogrifist

Medani Prophet

Memory Smith

Menacing Brute

Merchant Prince

Metal Master

Metamind

Mighty Contender of Kord

Mind Mage

Mindbender

Mindspy

Mirumoto Niten Master

Mole
Naked Mole Rat

Monk of the Enabled Hand

Monk of the Long Death

Moon Drover of Cormyr

Moonsea Sentinel

Moonspeaker

Moonstar Agent

Morninglord of Lathander

Mortal Hunter

Moto Avenger

Mountebank

Mystic Keeper of Corellon Larethian

Mystic Theurge

Mystic Wanderer

Mythic Exemplar

Naga Overlord

Nar Demonbinder

Nature’s Warrior

Necrocarnate

Nentyar Hunter

Netherese Arcanist

Neverwinter Nine

Night Mask Deathbringer

Night of the Pearl

Nightcloak

Nightmare Spinner

Nightshade

Nightsong Enforcer

Nightsong Infiltrator

Ninja of the Crescent Moon

Ninja Spy

Noble Adventurer

Noctumancer

Nosomatic Chirurgeon

Occult Slayer

Ocular Adept

Olin Gisir

Ollam

Omatu Master

Oozemaster

Oppressor

Orc Blademaster

Orc Scout

Orc Warlord

Ordained Champion

Order of the Bow Initiate

Ordinator

Osteomancer

Outcast Champion

Outlaw of the Crimson Road

Pact-Bound Adept

Pale Master

Paragnostic Apostle

Paragnostic Initiate

Peerless Archer

Peregrine Runner

Perfect Wight

Perfected One

Pious Templar

Planar Champion

Planar Shepherd

Planeshifter

Platinum Knight

Poison Fist

Poisoner

Prairie Runner

Primal Rager

Primal Scholar

Prime Underdark Guide

Primeval

Prophet of Erathaol

Psi-hunter

Psibond Agent

Psion Uncarnate

Psionic Fist

Purebreath Devotee

Purifier of the Hallowed Doctrine

Purple Dragon Knight

Pyrokineticist

Quori Mindhunter

Quori Nightmare
Knock Knock?

Radiant Servant of Pelor

Rage Mage

Rainbow Servant

Ranger Knight of Furyondy
Who's There?

Ranger of the Night’s Watch

Raumathari Battlemage

Ravager

Reachrunner
Ordinator

Reaper's Child

Reaping Mauler

Recaster

Red Avenger
Ordinator Who?

Red Dragon Disciple

Red Wizard

Red Wizard of Thay

Reforged
Your Pizza's Here. Aren't You The Guy That Ordinated It?

Renegade Mastermaker

Replacement Killer

Revenant Blade

Righteous Zealot

Rimefire Witch

Risen Martyr

Ronin

Royal Explorer

Royal Scout of Cormyr

Ruathar

Ruby Knight Vindicator

Runecaster

Runecaster

Runescarred Berserker

Runesmith

Sacred Exorcist

Sacred Fist

Sacred Warder of Bahamut

Sanctified Mind

Sanctified One

Sand Shaper

Sapphire Hierarch

Scaled Horror

Scar Enforcer

Scarlet Corsair

Scion of Dantalion

Scion of Tem-Et-Nu

Scorpion Heritor

Scorpion Wraith

Scourge Maiden

Scout Warlord

Sea Mother Whip

Sea Witch

Seeker of the Misty Isle

Seeker of the Song

Sentinel of Bharrai

Serene Guard

Serpent Slayer

Shaaryan Hunter

Shadar Sentinel

Shade Hunter

Shadow Adept

Shadow Apostle

Shadow Hunter

Shadow Scout

Shadow Sentinel

Shadow Sun Ninja

Shadow Thief of Amn

Shadowbane Inquisitor

Shadowbane Stalker

Shadowblade

Shadowcraft Mage

Shadowcrafter

Shadowdancer

Shadowmind

Shadowsmith

Shadowspy

Shadowstriker

Shaper of Form

Shapeshifter

Shark Cultist

Shen

Shiba Protector

Shifter

Shining Blade of Heironeous

Shintao Monk

Shoal Servant

Shou Disciple

Silver Key

Silver Pyromancer

Silverhair Knight

Silverstar

Silverstar

Singer of Concordance

Singh Rager

Siren

Skullclan Hunter

Skylord

Skypledged

Slaad Brooder

Slayer

Slayer of Domiel

Slime Lord

Snake Servant

Solar Channeler

Soldier of Light

Son of Mercy

Soul Eater

Soulbow

Soulcaster

Soulguard

Soulknife

Soulreaver

Sovereign Speaker

Spell Sovereign

Spellcarved Soldier

Spelldancer

Spellfire Channeler

Spellfire Hierophant

Spellguard of Silverymoon

Spellsinger

Spellsword

Spellwarp Sniper

Sphere Minion

Spinemeld Warrior

Spirit Speaker

Spur Lord

Spymaster

Squire of Legend

Stalker of Karash

Stalwart Warden

Steel Legionnaire

Stoneblessed

Stonedeath Assassin

Stoneface

Stonelord

Stonespeaker Guardian

Storm Disciple

Storm Sentry

Stormcaster

Stormlord

Stormsinger

Stormtalon

Streetfighter

Strifeleader

Sublime Chord

Suel Arcanamach

Sun Soul Monk

Sunmaster

Survivor

Swanmay

Swift Wing

Swiss Burger with Bacon

Sword Dancer

Sword of Righteousness

Sworn Slayer

Sybil

Tactical Soldier

Tainted Scholar

Talon of Tiamat

Talontar Blightlord

Tamer of Beasts

Tattooed Monk

Techsmith

Telflammar Shadowlord

Tempest

Templar

Temple Raider of Olidammara

Tenebrous Apostate

Thayan Gladiator

Thayan Knight

Thayan Slaver

The Athar

The Cipher

The Darkwood Stalker

The Duelist

The Flesheater

The Glaive of Azharadian

The Green Hunter

The Infused

The Mourner

The Mystic

The Sensate

The Sinker

The Tainted

The Taker

The Xaositect

Thief of Life

Thief-Acrobat

Thrall of Baphomet

Thrall of Dagon

Thrall of Demogorgon

Thrall of Fraz-Urb'luu

Thrall of Graz'zt

Thrall of Juiblex

Thrall of Kostchtchie

Thrall of Malcanthet

Thrall of Orcus

Thrall of Pazuzu

Thrall of Zuggtomy

Thrallherd

Thunder Guide

Tiger Mask

Topaz Guardian

Totem Rager

Totemic Demonslayer

Trapsmith

Tree-Friend

Triadic Knight

Tribal Protector

Troubadour of Stars

True Necromancer

Truth Seeker

Twisted Lord
Twisted Sister

Ultimate Magus

Umbral Disciple

Unbound Scroll

Uncanny Trickster

Unholy Ravager

Unholy Ravager of Tiamat

Union Sentinel

Unseen Seer

Ur-Priest

Urban Savant

Urban Soul

Vadilis Beastkeeper

Vassal of Bahamut

Vengeance Knight

Vengeance Sworn

Verdant Lord

Vermin Keeper

Vermin Lord

Vigilant Sentinel of Aerenal

Vigilante

Virtuoso

Visionary Seeker

Void Disciple

Waker of the Beast

Walker in the Waste

War Chanter

War Hulk

War Mind

War Weaver

War Wizard of Cormyr

Warchief

Warforged Juggernaut

Warmaster

Warpriest

Warrior of Darkness

Warrior Skald

Warshaper

Warsling Sniper

Watch Detective

Wavekeeper

Waverider

Waveservant

Wayfarer Guide

Weapon Master

Wearer of Purple

Weightless Foot

Weretouched Master

Whisperknife

Whitehorn

Wild Mage

Wild Plains Outrider

Wild Scout

Wild Soul

Wildrunner

Windrider

Windsinger

Windwalker

Windwright Captain

Winterhaunt of Iborighu

Witch Hunter

Witch Slayer

Witchborn Binder

Wizard of High Sorcery

Wonderworker

World Guardian

Worldspeaker

Wormhunter

Wyrm Wizard

Yakuza

Yathchol Webrider

Yathrinshee

Yuan-Ti Cultist

Zerth Cenobite

Zhentarim Skymage

Zhentarim Spy

Okay, so I added a few lines just to see if anyone was paying attention. But 99% of the above is 100% accurate.

What are we to say of them all?

Well, first, especially when listed on, well, a list like this, it's amazing, to be frank, just how plain dumb many of them sound:

Knight-Errant of Silverymoon?
Purple Dragon Knight?
Silverhair Knight?

And those are just the knights.

Second, of the remainder it's notable how sinister so many of them are:

Dark Scholar

Death Delver

Deathstalker of Bhaal
Demonologist
Diabolist

Disciple of Baalzebul

And those are just the D's.

(I can't believe Spalding's even bringing that up. It's only a game. Twelve year old's know that--though clearly Spalding doesn't. He's probably, you know, one of those moral police people or something, in favor of censorship.)

I'm not in favor of censorship actually. But in honesty, if I were (please note the if), forget about D.H. Lawrence, Nietzsche and The Anarchist's Cookbook. I'd settle for banning prestige classes and be done with it. Would Congress go for that?

But seriously, the silly and sinister aside. The whole idea of prestige classes is just cracked from a design point of view. As an example, take Dwarven Defender--one of the more 'normal' options. Here's part of the description from the Hypertext D20 SRD:

When he adopts a defensive stance, a defender gains phenomenal strength and durability, but he cannot move from the spot he is defending. He gains +2 to Strength, +4 to Constitution, a +2 resistance bonus on all saves, and a +4 dodge bonus to AC. The increase in Constitution increases the defender’s hit points by 2 points per level, but these hit points go away at the end of the defensive stance when the Constitution score drops back 4 points. These extra hit points are not lost first the way temporary hit points are. While in a defensive stance, a defender cannot use skills or abilities that would require him to shift his position. A defensive stance lasts for a number of rounds equal to 3 + the character’s (newly improved) Constitution modifier. A defender may end his defensive stance voluntarily prior to this limit. At the end of the defensive stance, the defender is winded and takes a -2 penalty to Strength for the duration of that encounter. A defender can only use his defensive stance a certain number of times per day as determined by his level (see Table: The Dwarven Defender). Using the defensive stance takes no time itself, but a defender can only do so during his action. When he adopts a defensive stance, a defender gains phenomenal strength and durability, but he cannot move from the spot he is defending. He gains +2 to Strength, +4 to Constitution, a +2 resistance bonus on all saves, and a +4 dodge bonus to AC. The increase in Constitution increases the defender’s hit points by 2 points per level, but these hit points go away at the end of the defensive stance when the Constitution score drops back 4 points. These extra hit points are not lost first the way temporary hit points are. While in a defensive stance, a defender cannot use skills or abilities that would require him to shift his position. A defensive stance lasts for a number of rounds equal to 3 + the character’s (newly improved) Constitution modifier. A defender may end his defensive stance voluntarily prior to this limit. At the end of the defensive stance, the defender is winded and takes a -2 penalty to Strength for the duration of that encounter. A defender can only use his defensive stance a certain number of times per day as determined by his level (see Table: The Dwarven Defender). Using the defensive stance takes no time itself, but a defender can only do so during his action.

Hmm. Interesting. Okay, here's my alternative suggestion. You want to be a Dwarven Defender? Okay, just be a Dwarven Defender. Act like one. Stand there on the stairs as the Orcs are coming up them and hit them with your axe, one by one. Make notches somewhere to record your kills. When your axe becomes ineffective (at on average about 30 Orcs or so), throw it away and grab a spare. And so on.

Why must all of this be done for you (and then described in the most needlessly complicated and excruciatingly boring way possible)? Is it because your imagination (you are a twelve year old) isn't good enough? Do you need the experts at Wizards of the Coast to help you on that?

Give me a break.

...

THE PARENTAL ADVISORY IS NOW OVER. GO BACK TO YOUR STATIONS. Whatever your group wants to do is okay as long as your group wants to do it. Kumbaya, my Lord, and all that. If you want to build a Breachgnome, go for it!